Rock Climbing

Marriage is a risk.  A risk like rock climbing. As one climbs the other belays.  The one who is climbing must trust the one who is belaying, especially, when lead climbing.  If one can’t trust the one who is belaying him/her  then he/she would be safer just free climbing without protection because the risk of climbing with one who can’t be trusted or doesn’t care is much greater than climbing alone. 

Climbing with someone who doesn’t care and/or can’t be trusted breeds fear because you have to focus not only on the rock but have to worry about the person you are climbing with.  It creates frustration because falling and the ground are usually always the end result. 

My marriage was such a lession in this principle.  She said she wanted to go on this climb with me.  She said she had the desire and ability to climb the route laid before us.  She promised to have me when I would fall, or help guide me to handholds and footholds I couldn’t see.  She said she would be there to encourage me at each move, especially at the cruxes, where a climber is either broken or made stronger. 

I promised the same to her and kept those promises. 

 Most of the time the marriage was like climbing alone with a rope attached to one who wanted me to fail.  Her control as belayer was not a desire to see the marriage grow and succeed, but to control for control alone. 

I don’t know how many time I would make a move to reach a spot further up the climb, only to feel a violent tug on my harness, that would either prevent me from moving forward or would pull me off the rock. 

Even though she told me to lead a decide the route her excuses were always the same- “I don’t want to go that way” or “You can’t make that move” or “That move is too risky”.  She would then berate me for falling, telling me to get it together or it was my fault. 

This was the cycle for most of the marriage.  I always blamed myself and put the burden of responsiblilty on me.  I thought it was me. It became frusterating failing at moves I know we could make. 

 Only now that she is gone do I realize the freedom of climbing alone, like before I met her.   I don’t have to worry about being pulled off the rock.  I am making moves with confidence that I couldn’t make being attached to her because she would keep pulling on the rope.  Her brother once told her she was, “Hard on her men.”  I now understand.  

  Her enjoyment was never in the climb itself or in her partner.  Her satisfaction was in the control she got from pulling on the rope and seeing her partner fall.  

I feel sorry for her because she has never experienced the joy of the climb itself – the satisfaction of making each move (especially at the cruxes of life), the growth of each risk that is taken, the encouragment of the climbing partner, and the exhileration of reaching the top.

Free climbing is good because it has reestablished the focus and confidence I had lost in a marriage that could only succeed my staying on the medicore ground of selfishness and apathy.

Kiss Me Again -by Barbara Wilson

“Kiss Me Again” by Barbara Wilson is a good read for understanding struggles and conflicts in current relationships where virtue has been compromised in previous relationships.  It is not only a good read for understanding, but a good read for hope as well.

Her website is www.barbarawilson.org

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Crazy Makes You Crazy

The comdedian Christopher Titus has a segment on his Love is Evol tour called – Crazy Makes You Crazy.  It it he describes his divorce.  He was right on in his assesment. 

Some of the warning signs that a person might be crazy is when s/he describes everyone else in his or her family as crazy except for her/him.  Titus refers to such a person as the tylenol time- release cap of craziness.  You think you are swollowing something non-toxic and at first everything seems fine, but crazy is coming. 

Looking back on my relationship with Julie the signs are as evident as the sun on a cloudless day.  She described every man who had been in her life as having psychological problems.  Both her brother where drug addicts with psychological problems, her dad was described as a sexual pervert, her mom as a manipulative, controlling, enabler, and many of her past boyfriends as psychologically unstable. 

I never realized at the time she was describing herself.  I can now see why all of her boyfriends ran from her.  She hid it well.  Her projection onto others was an unconsicous smoke and mirrors way of hiding her true character.  I got into a mess because I didn’t judge her for who she really was.

One time she told me how one of her boyfriends was cheating on her.  She stalked him and followed him to a restuarant where he was meeting his new girlfriend.  She told me in her rage how she made a huge scene at the restaurant.  Warning flags should have gone up and I should have started running. 

She framed her whole life with the premise of her as the victim.  She covered her rage and anger,specifically towards men, with the selfish hope of proving to the world someone would marry her.  Eventually the facade of trying to be someone she wasn’t melted to show her vindictive, bitter, rebellious, and resentful heart. 

Never in my life would I have imagined a women so full of hate, anger, and de3structiveness.  I married her because I believed she was the person she claimed to be.  I stayed with her because of loyalty, faithfulness, and because crazy makes you crazy. 

Since she has been gone I have been able to detox from her craziness.

Heart Transplant

In marrying Julie I settled for less  I didn’t exactly know it because she communicated and showed a person to me who was not who she really was.  I told her exactly who I was and what I was looking for.  She wanted to be that type of person but had not had the discipline or made the right choices to become that person.  Deep down she believed our relationship would change her into that person like some magic potient.  She hoped all the years of her poor choices and rebellious behavior would vanish.  

She failed to realize marriage is hardwork, especially with the heavy baggage of promiscuity and adultery.  I did understand all the dynamics or expect the outcome that occurred.  As humans we expect the fruit someone else has grown thru the virtues of self-control, discipline, purity, etc even when we haven’t live such virtues.  It never happens that way nor can it.  The Father expects us to yield to Him and work out the grace, love, and cleansing He is willing to work in.

Julie tried to show things on the outside that weren’t on the inside.  Her anger and bitterness kept her from looking on the inside.  I think she was afraid of what she would find – her responsibility in what she had become.  Her blaming of everyone else from men in general, to her brothers, to her father, her mother and finally of me, her husband was a smoke and mirrors means to keeping herself from truly looking in.  She would do many nice things for me during our marriage, but I could tell in many of her subtle attitudes towards me that we were missing a connection.  What she expected of me she did not expect of herself. 

As our marriage went on I was the primary one to blame.  She would only admit to having some issues as well, but I was the main problem.  So, I would take responsibility for issues and problems that weren’t my responsibility.  This always leads to frustration and destruction in the end.  Julie didn’t see she wasn’t close to the person she portrayed herself to be – the person she wanted to be. 

I settled for less by choosing Julie, because Julie had settled for less in how she live many years before I met her.  Following Christ isn’t a magical formula where one becomes the ideal he/she thinks he/she should be.  Surrendering one’s past to Christ is a humiliating and painful endeavor.  It means a heart transplant of the ulitmate kind.  Many times we want to come to Christ without the heart surgery so we do everything in our power to look presentable on the outside. 

This always fails because our hearts end up failing in what Christ leads us thru.  Just as a person who needs a physical heart transplant can’t climb Mount Everest, so a person who needs a spiritual heart transplant can’t climb the path God has for him or her.  The heart of the matter is truly the matter of the heart. 

I think about who Julie was before her rebellion in her early twenties. She had a beauty that she has long forgotten. As I look at the pictures of her late teens and early twenties I can see in her eyes show the life that was in her and her contenance revealed a priceless purity.  She was a woman of virtue.  A woman of truth.    I saw glimpses of that young woman in Julie – glimpses that attracted me to her.  I wish I would have met Julie before.   I pray someday the glimpses I saw will reappear and grow to into a living reality for Julie and our children.

Returning to One’s Vomit

Proverbs 26:11, “As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”

This verse gives a disgusting picture.  As humans we are all very capable of returning to our own vomit.  It is as natural for us as it is for a dog to return to it’s own vomit because we have a sin nature that thrives off of our vomit, i.e. sin.

Dogs believe their vomit is good and nutritious.  They ignore the fact real food is available.  Humans need a change in their disposition that can only come through yielding to Jesus Christ who becomes a life within us.  With our inclination to remain a fool remains with all of its folly.

Folly is easy to follow because it drives one without thinking about the end.  It is usually consumed while one is intoxicated with vengeance and bitterness.  Those eating their own folly falsely believe the folly is the truth – that it is the reality of the situation.

The world and its system entices encourages one to eat of the vomit.  Telling him/her it is justified, it is good, it will lead to happiness.

We can cover our foolish inclinations with acts of righteousness, but if the core isn’t changed the cover will inevitably come off in times of testing and stress.

Folly is also like a drug.  The more one feeds off of it the more one wants.  A dog wants more of its vomit and will gorge until it vomits again. Only to eat the vomit for another round.

Marriage and divorce wars will bring out the fool and his/her folly with all the vomit to fill every divorce lawyer’s bank account a billion times over.   Those vindicitive mates think eating their own vomit of folly will hurt their spouses and even destroy them.  They don’t realize or don’t care that eventually the acid from their own vomit will eventually erode their insides, their very life.

Many spouses eat their own folly thinking it will give them control.  After all it is their own vomit.  No one had to provide it for them.

The Lordship of Jesus Christ in one’s life is the only way to be free of the fool that lives so stronly inside of us.  We must die to ourselves- our own sense of reality.  We must allow Christ to show us exactly what our vomit is.  Only through Him will we achieve an appetite that despises our folly and desires the bread of life He alone is.

A faithful woman who can find?

“Every man proclaims his own goodness, but a faithful man who can find.”

Julie didn’t care or treasure my faithfulness to her because she was unfaithful herself.  All she cared about was getting worldly respect, control, and a sense of vindication over her own sins.

Those on the outside didn’t know what she was really like to live with or be married to.  She didn’t understand what it was like being married to her.  She could always proclaim her own goodness while magnifying my faults with half-truths.  It takes two to tango, but it was always my fault.  I took too much responsibility and fell on my sword in too many occasions which enabled her with a warped sense of control and power.

She was never an abused or battered wife.  If we went by her standards she was guilty of being abusive far worse than what I had been falsely accused of.

She told me once how she never “cheated” on one of her boyfriends.  She never saw the hypocrisy in the fact she was unfaithful by stealing another woman’s husband for two years.

During our engagement she told me she would support me in whatever I did and go wherever I would choose to go.  She wanted me to be the breadwinner.  I had always felt the desire to move and told her that.

Once we were married she didn’t want to move because she loved Colorado.  She always had a pin to deflate my hopes of moving.

Julie said she wanted me to be a man of integrity no matter the cost.  I supported her through nursing school when she almost got kicked out.  I supported her through a situation at work involving an end of life issue where she had to go before her supervisors and take a stand.  I supported her with issue of betrayal involving her mother, sister, and brothers.

But when I needed support from her involving work, none could be found. Not just lip-service support, but strengthening support and encouragement only a spouse can give.  She would speak on thing with her lips and then cut with her actions.

I was so much more confident and focused before I met her and am slowly getting that confidence and focus back.  Being married to her was like being lead rock climbing with a belayer who didn’t want me to complete the climb, who would pull on the rope to pull me down, and who didn’t have me secure when I would fall.  I would choose a route and she would tell me I couldn’t do it or shouldn’t do it.

Julie would told me I had a bad attitude for expecting excellence and integrity in regards to work.  She told me to get over getting stabbed in the back by a friend.  If the table were turned she would have come to me for support like I came to her.

She would tell half-truths and slanted facts to friends and family to get their support who in the end encourage her to do things that would destroy her marriage.  She knew the words to say to get sympathy.  She like the attention she got of being known as a “battered” wife – even thought she had never been abused physically or emotionally,  and she had never been threatened.

She concocted a charade of lies and victimization to provoke me, to destroy me, to gain control. She could give no specifics but just generalities.  She believed those who would help her in endeavors to destroy her family.

She wanted me to be honest, but when  I was honest she would cry abuse.  When I tried to hold to he expectations we had talked about, she would cry abuse. She wanted my support when she felt rejected by her mom and sister but when I had issues with them it was abuse.

I should never expected faithfulness from Julie based on her history.  She hadn’t been faithful to the Lord for seven years before she me me, so why should I expect her to be faithful to me.  Like a fool I listened to her proclamations of her own goodness and never allowed the time to truly observe her faithfulness.  Her faithfulness to God,  to our marriage, to our family,  to me as her husband.

She still wears her wedding ring to give a facade to all who see her that she is the faithful one – even though she has lied about me, left me, kept our children from me, placed a no contact order on me so there can be no contact, and has proceeded with a divorce based on nothing but lies and her own selfishness.

Her faithfulness is to herself alone.

Cleaning up ourselves can make us worse

Matthew 12:43-45 , “When the unlcean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.  Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.  Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of the man is worse than the first.  Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation. “

Before I had met Julie she had seven or so years of intense rebellion towards God and the values she knew were life.  She slept with over seven partners, obtained two sexually transmitted diseases, had an adulterous relationship with a married man for two years, spent her money getting drunk on most weekends, almost was kicked out of nursing school for cheating on a test,  had her EMT license put on probation for forging a doctor’s signature on a prescription, etc.

Most men wouldn’t have touched her, but only for sex.  I believed her when she said she wanted walk with Jesus again.  I beleived her when she said she was taking her sins before the Lord in true repentance and submission to His love and grace.  I believed her when she said she  wanted to be married to me, even though I warned her it would be tough because I desired to live a disciplined life of character and integrity in every area no matter the cost.

I believed her when she said she desired what I desired out of a marriage.  I believed her when she said she would support and encourage me through life. I believed her when she said she would be committed to the best interests of our family  I believed her when she said she loved me.

I was wrong.  All she said she was or wanted to be was an outer facade of to impress me that she was someone she really wasn’t.  I didn’t care about her past as long as she dealt with it in God’s way by submitting her past to Him and dying to herself and seek a life through Christ.  By her choices Julie had done tons of damage and created quite a reputation.   God is true to His Word and His promises and can take anyone from anywhere and transform them in the newness of life that can only come through Jesus Christ.

Julie cleaned up her surface.  She knew the things to say.  I think she hoped for a new life.  However, she kept a hold of the right to herself, so along came her past and the deep issues of her heart.

Julie cleaned up her surface with her own acts of righteousness and right behavior.  As humans, we think this will do. We like to take a sense of pride in thinking we have done only what God can do.

Our marriage struggled because impossible walls were keeping us from knowing each other and becoming one.  Wall that only the Jesus Christ would tear down.  Walls that created a lack of trust, confusion, and frustration.

Matthew 12:43-45 rings true.  Julie out of bitterness, resentment and deep seeded anger has allowed the house of her heart to be taken over by many spirits and attitude of destruction.  Her last state is worse than the first, because she didn’t yield her heart, mind, soul and strength to the only One who could cleanse and make her whole again by giving her a whole new life.

Julie’s goal is control.  The Lord has allowed her to have an illusion of control and power through the circus  justice system that is only “just a system” that care nothing about truth or facts or families.  Her vindictiveness has made her gullible to what anyone tells her. She is trying to destroy her husband.  She is trying to make her children fatherless.

Much of her life has been a lie as she has tried to deceive one set of friends or family from how she has lived.  She has always taken the victim mentality to her own choices and has been able to get supporters to go along with her and enable her build a house of sand.

One definition of hell is coming to realize the truth when it is too late.  If or when Julie is awakened from her delusional sense of reality it might be to late.  Severe damage has already been done, but not to the point of where Christ can bring healing and life.

Christ offers a new life where no “spirits” can enter to kill, steal, and destroy.  I believe Julie can be a woman of true character, integrity, and virtue, but it can only come through the life Christ is offering her.

A Foolish Woman Tears Down Her House with Her Own Hands

Proverbs 14: 1 , “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”

Julie, in her desire to vindicate herself from her past sins and choices, by trying to destroy her husband  destroyed her house.

A woman who has eaten of the poison of adultery and promiscuity has forsaken wisdom. She becomes self-absorbed in the world’s standards of relationships and respect.  She becomes enamored in building herself as a victim of her own faults and sins.  She is gullible and believes those who will lie for her to promote her destructive cause.  She can be very convincing because deceit has become part of her character, especially when clothed in religion.  As the Proverb says of the adulterous woman, “She wipes her mouth and says she has done no wrong.” A foolish woman exaggerates and manipulates the truth to destroy and gain control.

Wisdom is what guides a wise woman to build her house.  Its give her understanding and insight.  Wisdom takes the focus off of her own self and image and puts it into building that which will in the end bring the greatest beauty to her self and image.  Wisdom is founded in love and desires  the others own good; and ulitmately God’s will and direction no matter the cost.

Julie’s hardness kept her from absorbing the truth and wisdom she received while we were married.  She would always say, “I have my problems, but Jeremiah’s problems  are  . . . .” It was always my fault. Many times I would make a decision as she asked and she would tear down the house by resisting the decision, giving reason why the decision wouldn’t work, or not give the support necessary to make the decision a reality.

She wanted to be in control.  She wanted the facade of a “Christian” marriage, but didn’t want to submit to the standards of a Christ-centered marriage.   She wanted control.  A foolish woman wants control of those things God has not ordained her the have control of.

She has done everything in her earthly power with the help of a corrupt court system to make our children fatherless.

She has forgotten all the the grace and mercy shown to her and gives no thought of tomorrow. Julie’s tearing down of her house is God’s judgement for what she has done other families by the choices she has made.  Her illusion of power and control will eventually be taken from her and she will see reality for what it is and her foolishness will be seen for what it is.

A Woman Scorned by Her Own Actions

Julie was a woman scorned by her own actions or sexual promiscuity and adultery.  I never thought of her as or caller her a whore or slute; however; she felt like one inside.  Feelings she would always fight inside by projecting onto others, exaggerating others sins and failures, minimizing her own sin’s and failures,  and living as though her choices in life where not her fault.

Julie, as I came to find out, had built up an extreme hatred of men, which she hid while we were dating an engaged.  This hatred was mixed with vindictiveness and a desire to control.  She knew all the right things to say.  Ultimately, I let my own understanding and faulty judgment dictate my choice to pursue Julie, instead of fully relying on the Lord and His Word.  I relied on the fact she went to Summit Ministries, had Christian friends I knew, and could talk the Christian talk.  I took her at her word, not realizing she didn’t even know what was in her heart.

Scripture is filled with warnings about the kind of woman Julie was in character.  I believed the lie of  false grace and cheap forgiveness that infects the church.  The lie that says all one must do is say they are sorry for their sins with no change in heart or direction.

Julie said she wanted a Godly man as a husband and she wanted her husband to lead the family.   She would tell me to make decisions, but then would rebel against or sabotage decisions I would try to make. For five years I blindly assumed she was for my best interest only to realize she had her own agenda.  The relationship was confusing because my heart was in it and her heart never was.

She was never a help mate in heart.  I was there in many ways as a prop to show the world someone would marry her.  I there predominately for her own selfish desires.

Proverbs 2:16-19 “To deliver thee from the stange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her words; which forsaketh the covant of her God; For her house inclineht unto death, and her paths unto the dead. None that go unto her return again, neither take they hold of the paths of life.”

She wanted to blame me for her scorn and how she felt inside.  She thought marrying me would make how she felt inside disappear.  She thought once the wedding rings were on her past would be forgotten; never realizing the character she had built over the years would stay with her.  Only Jesus Christ could cleanse her from her past sins and make her a new creation.  Her own acts of righteousness could not cleanse the sins of her heart.  Magnifying others sins could not make the effects of her sins any less condemning.

She verbally confessed her sins to the Lord, but never submitted her heart to Him.  As humans we want God’s mercy for our sins -  delieverance from sins consequences.  However, we don’t want His grace – a new life, because we will have to submit to Him and humbly acknowledge we can’t survive by our own righteousness.

Proverbs 11:16 – “A gracious woman retaineth honour.”

God’s Timing and Way

When Julie told me she had been involved in an adulterous relationship I was committed to her.  I didn’t have the wisdom, insight, or counsel to think through this relational obstacle.  So, I minimized it.  She didn’t tell me much about it, but prefaced the whole topic with, “‘I just want to be fully honest.”  When I tried to understand it a little more she became defensive, not wanting to talk about it.  As time went by I had come to find out she wasn’t fully honest with me about what she did tell me about it.

She told me she had ended it months before she met me. I found out after we were married  she had ended it when she met me.  She found something better at the time.  During the two years she had even gone to the wife of the man and apologized to the wife- this is when she had found a someone else as well.  When that relationship didn’t work out she and slept with him again.  He was going to leave his wife to marry Julie.

The man’s toddler son was sick with a brain tumor.  She would tell be stories like every time they would have sex, the sons condition would get worse- like he would go blind.  But she still continued the relationship.

Julie blamed her sexual promiscuity and adultery on her home situation growing up.  It was her dad’s fault for not showing interest in her, it was her mom’s fault for controlling and embarrassing her in high school, it was her brother’s fault for fighting so much and doing drugs.

She used the old adage – Women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex.  This is a false premise used by many Christians.  The truth is women give sex because they enjoy it just as much as the men.

The casting of blame on others were warning flags that I didn’t heed.  Julie never took full responsibility for her lifestyle and never truly came before God and repented.  She tried to make things right in her own righteousness, which never works.  Repentance before God is one of the most powerful and beautiful gifts God has give to humanity.  However, we must submit to Him and let Him do the miracle of cleansing the sin and making us new.  This is the crux because as prideful humans we want to show our own goodness and and believe we can make ourselves righteous and just.

Her explanations and excuses were warning signs from God that I didn’t heed.  Before we were to marry He needed to do some work in both of us.  He brought us together for His glory and not our own selfish means.  We didn’t slow down or commit our relationship to the Lord with all of our heart.  We had the outward appearance.   From the beginning He had a different timing, direction, and plan for Julie and I.